I read a post on Twitter today written by a prominent blogger, and/or his wife. Few blogposts affect me this much. So i decided to write how I feel.
I am a Delhi girl. I’ve lived in Delhi for 22 of my 27 years – Jamshedpur for 2, and have now been living in Mumbai for the last 3.
Firstly, I, am not here to ‘compare’ Delhi and Mumbai in the ‘safe for women’ aspect – I can do a whole series of posts on why ‘I’ like Delhi or Mumbai more – but with safety, Mumbai is the pinnacle of being safe, being open, being forward, being free. So just for five minutes, let us leave Mumbai aside.
Are you trying to tell me, that I can, wear a skirt, have a few drinks, and return by cab alone post-midnight without worrying one bit in, say, Kanpur? Lucknow? Ahmedabad? (No drinks there, sorry). Chennai? Kolkata? Chandigarh? Indore? Cochin?
Half the places above I can’t even wear jeans, forget a skirt. Drinks? In a pub? COME HOME ALONE BY CAB? I doubt it. Maybe I can, but it's definitely not the best alternative. How many women actually do this?
Ok, you could say this is an elitist, extreme example. Fair enough. Let’s talk about roaming in the streets. Are you saying women don’t get stared at, whistled at anywhere else in this country? Are you saying no man ever brushes past women in crowded streets?
In my 22 years in the glorious capital, I have thankfully, by the grace of god, karma or even perhaps being over-protected, never been molested or manhandled. Sure, I’ve been whistled at, kissing noises made, called ‘baby’. But has that never happened to me elsewhere? Of course it has. It does. Every other day, all the time. I am letched at routinely, wherever I go, wherever in this country I may travel. Our collective mentality, the Indian mentality, is the same everywhere.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not using the ‘Everyone does it so it’s ok’ argument here. Delhi IS bad, sure. There are more 'reported' rapes in North India than anywhere else. But why generalise, trivialise? The post in question is so horribly generalised, perhaps exaggerated, I don’t know whether to feel angry or sad. If any of the Delhi families I know had 6-7 year old boys saying ‘Main tera rape kardoonga’ the elders would probably kill themselves over their failures at parenting. The post makes Delhi sound like a city of impudent GIJoe-toting boys walk around raping little Barbie girls. Which men say “Zyada bak bak karegi to uska rape kar denge”? This is ridiculous. Raping women to assert their masculinity is not what the uncles I know discuss at dinner time. I feel terrible that the author of the post knew such people. But if you tell me all your fathers and uncles are like this, then perhaps you and I both need to get to know more people.
I do not, for a minute, doubt the post's accuracy. Horrible things happen. But the manner of the post makes it appear so commonplace, makes a reader wonder if there are any respectable men and strong women in Delhi at all.
There was a mention of joint families in a palatial house. Take any city, town in India. How much do the women in these palatial houses speak up? How much freedom or activism do they demonstrate? Are all women in say, Haryana, Gujarat or even South India, venturing out alone, speaking their mind, wearing what they want?
Again, I repeat, the fact that every city is bad doesn’t make it ok for Delhi. In fact, I hope with all the protests being prefixed with a ‘Delhi’ – my city will probably get better soon. There will be closer monitoring, more awareness, more laws, hopefully, much much less tolerance.
I do agree with parts of the post. My mom would perhaps throw a solid fit if I, dressed in wedding finery, with jewelry, decided to walk for ten minutes to get to a venue. In fact, it would perhaps not even cross my mind to do this. However, the primary fear here is not of me getting raped or molested. It would be of getting robbed. My well-wishers would stop me from doing this whether I was in Delhi or in Bombay. This is not about the city. This is our country. Why make it about Delhi?
All this dramatic outrage I am doing is not only to defend my city. It is for preventing it from getting worse. In India, known with our 'chalta hai' attitude, how long before people start reacting to rapes like:
‘Oh, another rape in Delhi? That city has gone to the dogs’
‘What? A rape in Mumbai? How dare they? We need to demand action. This is just not done. Mumbai is safe for women, we have to keep it that way’.
See the difference? Generalisation slowly results in acceptance. Lets not accept the fact that Delhi women are subjugated, are used to being molested. No amount of ‘eve-teasing’ – how I hate that phrase – or subjugation, or conditioning - makes me adequately prepared to deal with molestation or rape, be it mine, a friend's, or the horrific one of a 23-year-old physiotherapist I’ve never met.
PS: link to the blogpost that initiated this. http://daddysan.wordpress.com/2012/12/24/the-subjugation-capital/
This is what i tweeted the other day too.
ReplyDeleteIts like you say a lie 100 times, people will start believing it.
Similarly you start generalizing things, and with time people without thinking accept them too.
Also, we cant just say bombay is safe and walk away,
Efforts are needed to keep it safe too.
Good post!
finally! this makes sense. it does. i have been trying to say the same thing since i read the post by daddy_san. and strangely my comment on the post has not been approved. it still says 'waiting for moderation' while another comment is already up on the post.
ReplyDelete"All this dramatic outrage I am doing is not only to defend my city. It is for preventing it from getting worse."
ReplyDeleteFair enough. My wife wrote that post as a sum total of her experiences. The intent isn't to shame Delhi or cast it in a bad light. There's a gross misunderstanding of what "molestation" means. This is an effort to explain to folks why those women are protesting in Delhi. It's no misguided rage. It means something.
Tanzila - All comments have been approved, not sure which one you're referring to.
i saw that after i published this. so i apologise for that.
DeleteThere are two things I forgot to address in the original comment.
ReplyDelete1. I believe generalizations attain memetic qualities because there's a grain of truth in them. The post mentions that rape isn't just an issue in Delhi but it outlines why Delhi stands out in terms of perception. It's not just a bunch of comedians milking the cliche for what it's worth, there's some truth in it. At least, that's what I believe. Does Mumbai have its own truths? Certainly. What about Vizag, which according to govt estimates actually has the highest percapita incidents of violence against women? Yes, it does. The attempt is to demystify that generalization and accord it some semblance of proof or even a hypothesis.
2.
"The post in question is so horribly generalised, perhaps exaggerated, I don’t know whether to feel angry or sad. If any of the Delhi families I know had 6-7 year old boys saying ‘Main tera rape kardoonga’ the elders would probably kill themselves over their failures at parenting. The post makes Delhi sound like a city of impudent GIJoe-toting boys walk around raping little Barbie girls. Which men say “Zyada bak bak karegi to uska rape kar denge”? This is ridiculous."
Let me point out that a specific example doesn't become a generalization, but a collection of specific examples seek to explain a generalization. Your reasoning that such an incident cannot happen because it's improbable ignores the fact that it's one instance quoted among many to highlight how misogyny and sexism is a phenomenon that cuts across social classes. Do refer to the example of the beggar. As to your point about getting to know more people, we are a function of the people we meet and know. There is such a family in Delhi and there may be more. The point isn't that Delhi has an army of rapist GI Joe toting seven year olds. It's that sexism and misogyny is learned at home first.
(On a partly related note I personally don't get this "defending a city" thing at all. Every city has its flaws, some more than others. If we own up to those flaws and work at eradicating them, we'd do our love a greater service. Or, as you mentioned - the intent is to make sure things don't get worse.)
I'll give a very different view. Delhi is lazy laid back. People will shut shops at 8, go home, drink,f***, sleep tight, wake up late, .. A Mumbaikar will be on the front till the last buck he can make that day or till the last transport he gets back home. Let alone forcing themselves on a woman for sex, a Mumbaikar in his routine does not even understand what is sex. Mumbai has evolved into a culture of respect for individuals.
ReplyDeleteDelhi is a deserted city at 2100hrs. You would encounter congestion at Andheri station at this hour (0050hrs).
Delhi needs to fight with itself. I bet you a majority of the protesters are no saints .. most did stare at a good looking girl, many have porn loaded in their hard disks, given a chance there could be a lot animals in them too. I dun object the very air of Delhi smelling lust .. but then it should be channelized in a civilized manner. These bus drivers, cab drivers should learn to get rid of their sexual frustrations in a manner which does not breach an individuals dignity for themselves. You don't have sex with someone by force. This is WRONG. For the protest .. I do not see anything credible coming out honestly. People need to keep the city alive till late so that a girl walking back from work at 10 in d night feels safe. You have to claim your territory Delhites. I live in Mumbai for the past three years. Lived for more than 20 years in Delhi. During my initial days in Mumbai...was returning from town at almost 1 in d night...saw a single girl in a short skirt in a general second class compartment...Mumbai told me that night how safe she is.
I grew up in Delhi, and spent 5 years commuting by public transport (in the years before the Metro) from Gurgaon to South Campus. So yes, I identify with everything @daddy_san's wife wrote in her post. I don't think it's all generalisations necessarily, more of her experiences being shared, experiences very similar to what I've seen and heard.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, I agree with you that it's not a Delhi-specific problem (a close friend was once flashed in Pali Hill in Bombay; so much for it being the safest city and so on), but Delhi does get so much more of the focus anyway, doesn't it? I could bring up my favorite example of the candle marches for Jessica Lall vs. nothing for for the Kherlanji massacre in 2006.
Focusing on one area (or city) doesn't mean the others aren't important. It means that baby steps are needed sometimes, and hopefully, if it works here, the good that comes out of this can spread to other places too.
My two cents.
‘Oh, another rape in Delhi? That city has gone to the dogs’
ReplyDelete‘What? A rape in Mumbai? How dare they?
these 2 lines says a lot.
Thanks for writing, hope at least few in internet change their mindset for issues and city both.
"Dilli is Dilli, Mumbai is Mumbai. And, never the twain shall meet." Every city has its own culture, yes, Delhi is not as westernized as Mumbai but every city has its own set of disadvantages. At least, we don't trouble the poor Rickshaw/Cab drivers from backward states of the country. Talk to any true blue Mumbaikar, and you can sense that they regard Biharis as second-class inhabitants of the city. Here, in Delhi we Punjabis, Jaats, UPites-Biharis and Muslims live in perfect peace and harmony, oh well you haven't heard about Hindu-Muslim riots in Mumbai. Have you?
ReplyDeleteSecondly, we middle-class Delhiites love our city because we know how to manage our night life, social life and personal life according to the cultural norms of our city. And, I have no qualms in accepting that showing of your skin in public is still a taboo not just in Delhi but in the sub-continent. We are slowly becoming a westernized society and it will take time.
PS. Not every girl wishes to get drunk and roam in a city wearing shorts at night, but if this is the parameter of your biased judgement, then yes for you Mumbai is way better than my city.